The begginning of a Journey

One always has a moment of fear, awe, and motivation when they first start a journey. Then again, others, like me, journey effortlessly, without any direction, with complete abandon, until they get moored in a shoal they did not choose and find themselves seeking the self motivation, ambition and direction they have to gain, to move forward and stop being but a leaf in the flow of the river of life.

So hello! I have been moored here for a while. This shoal of single motherhood, of french fries, of guilt trips, of lack of self appreciation.

I am, at the moment,  32. I need to go back and check that. I lie about my age so often I forget the real number.  I was born in 1977. I was a happy go lucky child who loved animals and was the product of two intellectuals who started off a creative optimists and ended, alas too soon for my dad, who passed away this May, as paranoid, walled off, pessimists. In my 30+ year journey I traveled through many geographical landscaped ("5 continents in 5 years!", I used to brag in my teens), emotional jungles and desserts, and physical transformations. This blog, one of many, will track the latter. The deterioration of the human spirit leading a self centered model,  to become a 250lb single mom, via an Ivy League intellectual, and a struggling wife.  No matter that, haphazard, journey, the shoal I am on is this:

• I am (after struggling for 3 years) 240lbs right now. 
• I have low self esteem and am miserable in my own skin.
• I feel I am not deserving of any relationship. I feel I have nothing to offer. 
• I have big dreams and no motivation to achieve them. 
• I am depressed, messy and disorganized. 
• I am frozen in financial uncertainty.
• I am a bad example to my child. 
• I am leading a life I know will kill me (shortly!!!) 

I deem all of these as nothing more than symptoms of my disease: a loss of faith and self worth.

And here lies the beginning of this purposeful journey. I see is as follows:

• Step 1: Physical transformation - This is no easy feat, but I feel like if i could at least see myself as someone who does not personify a lack of control, a slob, the other steps would be significantly easier. 
• Step 2: Lifestyle transformation - There are so many things I want to do: Hike, run, swim. My weight, my obsession about not being seen, and my "i can't do it" approach has stopped me. I seem to disrupt any effort I make, always full of excuses. 
• Step 3: Mental/spiritual transformation: Aha! That is the rub of it. With out this one, the others really don't matter. 

Of coarse, despite being numbered as steps, these are suppose to work concurrently. Neither functions well without the other.


My commitment? I will post what I do (or have not done) here. I will post monthly updates on weight, images on progress, and notes on successes and failures. I hope, this will inspire others, to move forward too. And who knows? Maybe if I succeed in dropping these 100 lbs, it can also serve as motivation and a guideline for others.


240 lbs, signing out!